100CORONA VIRUS STRIKES COIN COLLECTIONS

100CORONA VIRUS STRIKES COIN COLLECTIONS
by Wagner Hannenkahn

Leading Austrian numismatist Dr. Auric Goldfondler has announced that the 100Corona virus is running rampant through his country's coin collections. "Virtually all of my 100 corona coins are affected," Dr. Goldfondler admitted, "since they are all over 100 years old and somewhat overweight. The smaller 10 and 20 corona coins are affected as well, but not to the extent of the 100's. Many of them are past recovery, covered in a heavy dark brown crud, but others only have a light toning and are starting to recover. Various treatments are being attempted by collectors here in Austria, with varying results. My friend Bellew Danyube says the degradation has stopped once he immersed his coins in the liquid antibiotic prescribed for his grandson's ear infection. He removes them periodically to dry them with compressed air and then returns them to the solution. He hopes to be able to be able to save his coins in time to continue his grandson's treatment.

Fellow collector Mrs. Ethel Bromide is trying a home-made treatment, but she refuses to divulge the specifics until it is proven effective to her satisfaction. And the curator at the Vienna Museum of Numismatics is reportedly trying an arsenic-based compound on the museum's coins, but we haven't heard from him in over a week. We've asked the police to make a welfare check at his office to make sure he's still OK." According to Dr. Goldfondler, the modern shilling-denominated gold coins are generally unaffected, but they are being watched carefully, and are being isolated from their older counterparts.

Meanwhile, in Australia, Hong Kong, China and other countries, there are sporadic reports of other gold coin epidemics. "All of my Year of the Pig coins seem to have contracted the swine flu," Australian collector Perth McDingo lamented, "while the Year of the Rooster coins seem to have some sort of avian flu. The Year of the Tiger coins have all contracted cat scratch fever. I'm even concerned that the Year of the Monkey coins might have some form of Ebola virus -- that's not even an influenza!" McDingo has reportedly moved his Year of the Dragon coins to a concrete shed elsewhere on his property. "Who knows what might happen if these dragons start to sneeze -- they might burn the whole house down!", he stated.

The China Mint has stopped striking bullion Panda coinage, limiting its output to special collector proof issues. They claim that this will prevent a Panda-emic from occurring. The Royal Canadian Mint proudly announced that all of its Maple Leaf gold coinage is totally unaffected by any malady. "We have a special coating on our coins, so not even the Dutch Elm Disease can affect our Maples, eh!" was the comment from Mint Director Pepe LePew.

In the United States, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnchn announced that "our of an abundance of caution, the entire gold supply at Fort Knox is being covered with 300,000 gallons of Purell that has been pumped into the vaults." When asked where the government obtained such a large supply of the product in so short supply, Mnchn admitted that he had provided the sanitizer to the government "from the personal stockpile stored at one of my vacation homes." Meanwhile, collectors and investors are being warned to avoid scams being attempted by unscrupulous individuals. "Do not send your coins to a special 'quarantine service', especially one located in Minnesota", the Federal Trade Commission warned, "or you may never get them back." A collector in New York fell for this fraud, sending 500 American Eagle one ounce bullion coins to this firm. "All I got back", he ruefully admitted, "was a condolence card stating that all my Eagles had died, and that they were cremated and buried in a lead-lined container on a remote farm to prevent further contamination. They sent 500 veterinary death certificates and a picture of the grave, but I'm still not convinced."

On the numismatic front, PCGS spokesperson Donn Slabb announced that extra precautions were being taken in its facilities. "All graders are exposed to high dosage X-rays when entering the grading room, in order to obliterate any potential virus. Those who can still see are required to wear gloves and masks while handling any gold coins. They are required to change gloves after every 100 coins to keep the cross-contamination rate down to no more than 99%. By the way, we have numerous openings for graders at this time -- if you want to grade coins for a living, and have already had as many children as you want, please apply at our website." NGC President Mark Salzberg unexpectedly changed his name to Pierre Paree and stated, in a French accent, that "NGC will no longer accept Austrian coins for slabbing. We are also considering no longer accepting any coins with animals on them. We will let you know -- adieu!"

In an attempt to obtain confirmation of this information, this reporter called the United States Center for Disease Control Director of Sneezes and Such, Dr. Anthony Fauci, for comment. His reply, verbatim, was "What the heck are you talking about? How did you get this number? Don't bother me, I'm very busy. If you call again, I'll report you to Interpol!" This type of non-denial denial is typical of government employees trying to hide bad news, and can be considered a reasonably certain confirmation of the above information.

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